Some more ramblings

Missing people and feeling weird.

2010-02-26T01:08:00.002-06:00

I miss her. From the bottom of my heart if i knew of any feeling emanating from there.

Why should I be the one caught in a bind over everything?

How to avoid going to gym?

2010-02-05T23:46:00.002-06:00

1. Get motivated on drive back
2. Come back and play poker for a little bit
3. That little bit becomes like 8:30pm
4. You are hungry now and there's nothing to eat
5. You get smart and open a recipe for french toast and make some neat french toast
6. Yum
7. Now you play some more poker to digest.
8. Now you are sleepy and think you won't be able to lift as well.
9. You decide to go tomorrow instead.

Something and nothing

2008-10-09T02:00:00.002-05:00

What a long day today has been - still standing , work is getting tougher. And I am feeling really sad after watching "A Forest of Trees" - an abrupt and mellow ending to a sad movie. What happens when we lose our medium of expression. Friends, neighbors, parents and relatives and we have not cultivated anything else - its slightly hard to imagine especially if you can live by yourself with little outside interaction - but for how long?

A bomb disposal squad

2008-09-30T10:58:00.002-05:00

Due to the profusion of all kinds of explosives being found in India on roadsides on highways on trees and in dustbins, authorities are now tired of wearing complicated costumes to cull out these explosives.

Stupid newspapers

2008-09-13T02:25:00.002-05:00

I have always heard complaints about certain newspaper from friends beginning from 6th grade. Ever since "Newspaper in Education" a unique scheme by Times of India to circulate newspaper among 6th grade students for a nominal fee was launched to infuse the budding youth with more insight than the half pageful of cartoons we all looked forward to, the first target of this suddenly awakened keenness was the content of the newspaper itself.

Here are some of the articles on TOI today
"Big Bang puts Indian scientists on global map" - Just in case they weren't there already some momentous occasion has propelled them onto a fancy media map. Herein lies the seed to yet another theory of mine. Indians in India want to feel that they are valued. The Indians outside India have mostly given up or take to musing philosophically or poking amusement at the rest of the country as "Bush's letter: India says 123 pact to be 'legal document. India worried". I am not worried at all. Neither were my parents in the morning. A few reporters sure seem worried and I am sure Bush wouldn't have a clue of what he said the next morning.

Some from the revered South Indian paper "Deccan Herald"-
"Yasin Malik injured in Srinagar protests "
And then there is this picture of a bearded guy that resembles the doctor who was branded as a terrorist by Australians (called "Oz" by the staff at Deccan Herald) looking as if he had had a heavy meal.

Symonds dropped for India tour
I mean - is this even news? Certainly some rabid fan might absorb this news and revel in mirth for sometime but people dont give a shit. Whatever that might mean. At least I don't.

Mr.Manmohan Singh's speech

2008-07-23T20:02:00.001-05:00

(Manmohan Singh did not read out his statement, as he was not allowed to do so by the opposition parties. Instead he gave a copy to the Speaker to file. The below is his address to the Nation on the Nuclear Deal and also the 4 years of UPA rule.)

The Leader of Opposition, Shri L.K. Advani has chosen to use all manner of abusive objectives to describe my performance. He has described me as the weakest Prime Minister, a nikamma PM, and of having devalued the office of PM. To fulfill his ambitions, he has made at least three attempts to topple our government. But on each occasion his astrologers have misled him. This pattern, I am sure, will be repeated today. At his ripe old age, I do not expect Shri Advani to change his thinking. But for his sake and India’s sake, I urge him at least to change his astrologers so that he gets more accurate predictions of things to come.

“As for Shri Advani’s various charges, I do not wish to waste the time of the House in rebutting them. All I can say is that before leveling charges of incompetence on others, Shri Advani should do some introspection. Can our nation forgive a Home Minister who slept when the terrorists were knocking at the doors of our Parliament? Can our nation forgive a person who single handedly provided the inspiration for the destruction of the Babri Masjid with all the terrible consequences that followed? To atone for his sins, he suddenly decided to visit Pakistan and there he discovered new virtues in Mr. Jinnah. Alas, his own party and his mentors in the RSS disowned him on this issue. Can our nation approve the conduct of a Home Minister who was sleeping while Gujarat was burning leading to the loss of thousands of innocent lives? Our friends in the Left Front should ponder over the company they are forced to keep because of miscalculations by their General Secretary.

As for my conduct, it is for this august House and the people of India to judge. All I can say is that in all these years that I have been in office, whether as Finance Minister or Prime Minister, I have felt it as a sacred obligation to use the levers of power as a societal trust to be used for transforming our economy and polity, so that we can get rid of poverty, ignorance and disease which still afflict millions of our people. This is a long and arduous journey. But every step taken in this direction can make a difference. And that is what we have sought to do in the last four years. How far we have succeeded is something I leave to the judgement of the people of India.

When I look at the composition of the opportunistic group opposed to us, it is clear to me that the clash today is between two alternative visions of India’s future. The one vision represented by the UPA and our allies seeks to project India as a self confident and united nation moving forward to gain its rightful place in the comity of nations, making full use of the opportunities offered by a globalised world, operating on the frontiers of modern science and technology and using modern science and technology as important instruments of national economic and social development. The opposite vision is of a motley crowd opposed to us who have come together to share the spoils of office to promote their sectional, sectarian and parochial interests. Our Left colleagues should tell us whether Shri L.K. Advani is acceptable to them as a Prime Ministerial candidate. Shri L.K. Advani should enlighten us if he will step aside as Prime Ministerial candidate of the opposition in favour of the choice of UNPA. They should take the country into confidence on this important issue.

I have already stated in my opening remarks that the House has been dragged into this debate unnecessarily. I wish our attention had not been diverted from some priority areas of national concern. These priorities are :

(i) Tackling the imported inflation caused by steep increase in oil prices. Our effort is to control inflation without hurting the rate of growth and employment.

(ii) To revitalize agriculture. We have decisively reversed the declining trend of investment and resource flow in agriculture. The Finance Minister has dealt with the measures we have taken in this regard. We have achieved a record foodgrain production of 231 million tones. But we need to redouble our efforts to improve agricultural productivity.

(iii) To improve the effectiveness of our flagship pro poor programmes such as National Rural Employment Programme, Sarva Shiksha Abhiyan, Nation-wide Mid day meal programme, Bharat Nirman to improve the quality of rural infrastructure of roads, electricity, safe drinking water, sanitation, irrigation, National Rural Health Mission and the Jawaharlal Nehru National Urban Renewal Mission. These programmes are yielding solid results. But a great deal more needs to be done to improve the quality of implementation.

(iv) We have initiated a major thrust in expanding higher education. The objective is to expand the gross enrolment ratio in higher education from 11.6 per cent to 15 per cent by the end of the 11th Plan and to 21per cent by the end of 12th Plan. To meet these goals, we have an ambitious programme which seeks to create 30 new universities, of which 14 will be world class, 8 new IITs, 7 new IIMs, 20 new IIITs, 5 new IISERs, 2 Schools of planning and Architecture, 10 NITs, 373 new degree colleges and 1000 new polytechnics. And these are not just plans. Three new IISERs are already operational and the remaining two will become operational from the 2008-09 academic session. Two SPAs will be starting this year. Six of the new IITs start their classes this year. The establishment of the new universities is at an advanced stage of planning.

(v) A nation wide Skill Development Programme and the enactment of the Right to Education Act,

(vi) Approval by Parliament of the new Rehabilitation and Resettlement policy and enactment of legislation to provide social security benefits to workers in the unorganized sector.

(vii) The new 15 Point Programme for Minorities, the effective implementation of empowerment programmes for the scheduled castes, scheduled tribes, paying particular emphasis on implementation of Land Rights for the tribals.

(viii) Equally important is the effective implementation of the Right to Information Act to impart utmost transparency to processes of governance. The Administrative Reforms Commission has made valuable suggestions to streamline the functioning of our public administration.

(ix) To deal firmly with terrorist elements, left wing extremism and communal elements that are attempting to undermine the security and stability of the country. We have been and will continue to vigorously pursue investigations in the major terrorist incidents that have taken place. Charge-sheets have been filed in almost all the cases. Our intelligence agencies and security forces are doing an excellent job in very difficult circumstances. They need our full support. We will take all possible steps to streamline their functioning and strengthen their effectiveness.

Considerable work has been done in all these areas but debates like the one we are having detract our attention from attending to these essential programmes and remaining items on our agenda. All the same, we will redouble our efforts to attend to these areas of priority concerns.

I say in all sincerity that this session and debate was unnecessary because I have said on several occasions that our nuclear agreement after being endorsed by the IAEA and the Nuclear Suppliers Group would be submitted to this august House for expressing its view. All I had asked our Left colleagues was : please allow us to go through the negotiating process and I will come to Parliament before operationalising the nuclear agreement. This simple courtesy which is essential for orderly functioning of any Government worth the name, particularly with regard to the conduct of foreign policy, they were not willing to grant me. They wanted a veto over every single step of negotiations which is not acceptable. They wanted me to behave as their bonded slave. The nuclear agreement may not have been mentioned in the Common Minimum Programme. However, there was an explicit mention of the need to develop closer relations with the USA but without sacrificing our independent foreign policy. The Congress Election Manifesto had explicitly referred to the need for strategic engagement with the USA and other great powers such as Russia.

In 1991, while presenting the Budget for 1991-92, as Finance Minister, I had stated : No power on earth can stop an idea whose time has come. I had then suggested to this august House that the emergence of India as a major global power was an idea whose time had come.

Carrying forward the process started by Shri Rajiv Gandhi of preparing India for the 21st century, I outlined a far reaching programme of economic reform whose fruits are now visible to every objective person. Both the Left and the BJP had then opposed the reform. Both had said we had mortgaged the economy to America and that we would bring back the East India Company. Subsequently both these parties have had a hand at running the Government. None of these parties have reversed the direction of economic policy laid down by the Congress Party in 1991. The moral of the story is that political parties should be judged not by what they say while in opposition but by what they do when entrusted with the responsibilities of power.

I am convinced that despite their opportunistic opposition to the nuclear agreement, history will compliment the UPA Government for having taken another giant step forward to lead India to become a major power centre of the evolving global economy. Jawaharlal Nehru’s vision of using atomic energy as a major instrument of development will become a living reality.

What is the nuclear agreement about? It is all about widening our development options, promoting energy security in a manner which will not hurt our precious environment and which will not contribute to pollution and global warming.

India needs to grow at the rate of at least ten per cent per annum to get rid of chronic poverty, ignorance and disease which still afflict millions of our people. A basic requirement for achieving this order of growth is the availability of energy, particularly electricity. We need increasing quantities of electricity to support our agriculture, industry and to give comfort to our householders. The generation of electricity has to grow at an annual rate of 8 to 10 per cent.

Now, hydro-carbons are one source of generating power and for meeting our energy requirements. But our production of hydro-carbons both of oil and gas is far short of our growing requirements. We are heavily dependent on imports. We all know the uncertainty of supplies and of prices of imported hydro-carbons.

We have to diversify our sources of energy supply.

We have large reserves of coal but even these are inadequate to meet all our needs by 2050. But more use of coal will have an adverse impact on pollution and climate. We can develop hydro-power and we must. But many of these projects hurt the environment and displace large number of people. We must develop renewable sources of energy particularly solar energy. But we must also make full use of atomic energy which is a clean environment friendly source of energy. All over the world, there is growing realization of the importance of atomic energy to meet the challenge of energy security and climate change.

India’s atomic scientists and technologists are world class. They have developed nuclear energy capacities despite heavy odds. But there are handicaps which have adversely affected our atomic energy programme. First of all, we have inadequate production of uranium. Second, the quality of our uranium resources is not comparable to those of other producers.Third, after the Pokharan nuclear test of 1974 and 1998 the outside world has imposed embargo on trade with India in nuclear materials, nuclear equipment and nuclear technology. As a result, our nuclear energy programme has suffered. Some twenty years ago, the Atomic Energy Commission had laid down a target of 10000 MW of electricity generation by the end of the twentieth century. Today, in 2008 our capacity is about 4000 MW and due to shortage of uranium many of these plants are operating at much below their capacity.

The nuclear agreement that we wish to negotiate will end India’s nuclear isolation, nuclear apartheid and enable us to take advantage of international trade in nuclear materials, technologies and equipment. It will open up new opportunities for trade in dual use high technologies opening up new pathways to accelerate industrialization of our country. Given the excellent quality of our nuclear scientists and technologists, I have reasons to believe that in a reasonably short period of time, India would emerge as an important exporter of nuclear technologies, and equipment for civilian purposes.

When I say this I am reminded of the visionary leadership of Shri Rajiv Gandhi who was a strong champion of computerization and use of information technologies for nation building. At that time, many people laughed at this idea. Today, information technology and software is a sun-rise industry with an annual turnover soon approaching 50 billion US dollars. I venture to think that our atomic energy industry will play a similar role in the transformation of India’s economy.

The essence of the matter is that the agreements that we negotiate with USA, Russia, France and other nuclear countries will enable us to enter into international trade for civilian use without any interference with our strategic nuclear programme. The strategic programme will continue to be developed at an autonomous pace determined solely by our own security perceptions. We have not and we will not accept any outside interference or monitoring or supervision of our strategic programme. Our strategic autonomy will never be compromised. We are willing to look at possible amendments to our Atomic Energy Act to reinforce our solemn commitment that our strategic autonomy will never be compromised.

I confirm that there is nothing in these agreements which prevents us from further nuclear tests if warranted by our national security concerns. All that we are committed to is a voluntary moratorium on further testing. Thus the nuclear agreements will not in any way affect our strategic autonomy. The cooperation that the international community is now willing to extend to us for trade in nuclear materials, technologies and equipment for civilian use will be available to us without signing the NPT or the CTBT.

This I believe is a measure of the respect that the world at large has for India, its people and their capabilities and our prospects to emerge as a major engine of growth for the world economy. I have often said that today there are no international constraints on India’s development. The world marvels at our ability to seek our social and economic salvation in the framework of a functioning democracy committed to the rule of law and respect for fundamental human freedoms. The world wants India to succeed. The obstacles we face are at home, particularly in our processes of domestic governance.

I wish to remind the House that in 1998 when the Pokharan II tests were undertaken, the Group of Eight leading developed countries had passed a harsh resolution condemning India and called upon India to sign the NPT and CTBT. Today, at the Hokkaido meeting of the G-8 held recently in Japan, the Chairman’s summary has welcomed cooperation in civilian nuclear energy between India and the international community.

This is a measure of the sea change in the perceptions of the international community our trading with India for civilian nuclear energy purposes that has come about in less than ten years.

Our critics falsely accuse us, that in signing these agreements, we have surrendered the independence of foreign policy and made it subservient to US interests. In this context, I wish to point out that the cooperation in civil nuclear matters that we seek is not confined to the USA. Change in the NSG guidelines would be a passport to trade with 45 members of the Nuclear Supplier Group which includes Russia, France, and many other countries.

We appreciate the fact that the US has taken the lead in promoting cooperation with India for nuclear energy for civilian use. Without US initiative, India’s case for approval by the IAEA or the Nuclear Suppliers Group would not have moved forward.

But this does not mean that there is any explicit or implicit constraint on India to pursue an independent foreign policy determined by our own perceptions of our enlightened national interest. Some people are spreading the rumours that there are some secret or hidden agreements over and above the documents made public. I wish to state categorically that there are no secret or hidden documents other than the 123 agreement, the Separation Plan and the draft of the safeguard agreement with the IAEA. It has also been alleged that the Hyde Act will affect India’s ability to pursue an independent foreign policy. The Hyde Act does exist and it provides the US administration the authorization to enter into civil nuclear cooperation with India without insistence on full scope safeguards and without signing of the NPT. There are some prescriptive clauses but they cannot and they will not be allowed to affect in any way the conduct of our foreign policy. Our commitment is to what has been agreed in the 123 Agreement. There is nothing in this Agreement which will affect our strategic autonomy or our ability to pursue an independent foreign policy. I state categorically that our foreign policy, will at all times be determined by our own assessment of our national interest. This has been true in the past and will be true in future regarding our relations with big powers as well as with our neighbours in West Asia, notably Iran, Iraq, Palestine and the Gulf countries.

We have differed with the USA on their intervention in Iraq. I had explicitly stated at a press conference at the National Press Club in Washington DC in July 2005 that intervention in Iraq was a big mistake. With regard to Iran, our advice has been in favour of moderation and we would like that the issues relating to Iran’s nuclear programme which have emerged should be resolved through dialogue and discussions in the framework of the International Atomic Energy Agency.

I should also inform the House that our relations with the Arab world are very good. Two years ago, His Majesty, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia was the Chief Guest at our Republic Day. More recently, we have played host to the President of Iran, President of Syria, the King of Jordan, the Emir of Qatar and the Emir of Kuwait. With all these countries we have historic civilisational and cultural links which we are keen to further develop to our mutual benefit. Today, we have strategic relationship with all major powers including USA, Russia, France, UK, Germany, Japan, China, Brazil, Nigeria and South Africa. We are Forging new partnerships with countries of East Asia, South East Asia and Africa.

CONCLUSION

The Management and governance of the world’s largest, most diverse and most vibrant democracy is the greatest challenge any person can be entrusted with, in this world. It has been my good fortune that I was entrusted with this challenge over four years ago. I thank with all sincerity the Chairperson of the UPA, the leaders of the Constituent Parties of the UPA and every member of my Party for the faith and trust they reposed in me. I once again recall with gratitude the guidance and support I have received from Shri Jyoti Basu and Sardar Harkishen Singh Surjeet.

I have often said that I am a politician by accident. I have held many diverse responsibilities. I have been a teacher, I have been an official of the Government of India, I have been a member of this greatest of Parliaments, but I have never forgotten my life as a young boy in a distant village.

Every day that I have been Prime Minister of India I have tried to remember that the first ten years of my life were spent in a village with no drinking water supply, no electricity, no hospital, no roads and nothing that we today associate with modern living. I had to walk miles to school, I had to study in the dim light of a kerosene oil lamp. This nation gave me the opportunity to ensure that such would not be the life of our children in the foreseeable future.

Sir, my conscience is clear that on every day that I have occupied this high office, I have tried to fulfill the dream of that young boy from that distant village.

The greatness of democracy is that we are all birds of passage! We are here today, gone tomorrow! But in the brief time that the people of India entrust us with this responsibility, it is our duty to be honest and sincere in the discharge of these responsibilities. As it is said in our sacred texts, we are responsible for our actions and we must act without coveting the rewards of such action. Whatever I have done in this high office I have done so with a clear conscience and the best interests of my country and our people at heart. I have no other claims to make”

Random thoughts in my head

2008-07-19T15:11:00.002-05:00

How were the Cricket players in IPL tested without their knowledge? When I was tested I was asked to pee in a container and hand it over - didn't these players have to do that?

What does the Article 376 ruling by the Indian SC mean? I have sex - or called love-making by the court - and I tell the woman that I am not married and the woman had sex because she believed I was not married and then fathered a kid with me. This apparently is a criminal offense, yes the sex part is a criminal offense. It might sounds chauvinistic but I think its the foolishness of the woman. Vice-versa if I did "love-making" because I believed the woman was unmarried then I would be foolish and kicking myself when I found that the woman was indeed married. But apparently not according to the highest court. I wish someone would tell me the reasoning behind this.

Why does the house get so dirty in such short time? Jesus Christ! (A swear phrase I have to stop using)

The woman last night - God - so velvety.

I am not sure what to do with the renegade piss tasting colorful beer bottles. Should I subtly place it outside in the parking lot? I think it will remain untouched and I would be embarrassed each day I see it there.

I don't want to play Badminton or poker today.
A. I am lazy
B. Waste money at least 15 bucks including fuel
C. I want to read some more.
D. I am tired of calling people to ask them to come to a certain place at a certain time. Fuck you all.

I am going to cook some too. Probably call them family folks and have dinner.

Veena Kanuga

2008-07-14T01:39:00.002-05:00

I studied in Vidyaniketan School in Hebbal, Bangalore during my 5th and 6th grade. At that time my father was a manager in a bank and my mother was a clerk in another bank. Vidyaniketan at that time was an atrociously costly school that imparted education similar if not a degree below education than other schools I had been in but was a degree costlier.

My brother and me studied at that school for exactly two years. We pulled out of that school - the biggest reason I was told because my brother needed a more competetive environment but I suspect now that it was the money which my family was required to pony up every month. My father used to joke that the denomination for the school began with Rs.30 and upwards.

My classmates were all with one or two exceptions snobs. They used to ask me what car my father drove when he didnt have a car. Each kid used to come from a family that used to have at least a couple of cars. In all, the friend's houses I had been to their houses were way bigger and more ornately decorated than my own. (This was to give rise to my first inhibition as a kid). I was routinely put down whenver talk bordered around whose father was doing what or some equivalent thing.

In my 5th grade we were to have a science fair in school where each class was assigned a theme. My class was assigned the theme "Water". We were given an experiment we were to conduct and then explain the results of the experiment to the people visiting our science fair. I was given an experiment to explain the formula p = h*d*g.; and explain how pressure varies by height using a tin can with three holes at various heights and then filling in water coloured with Potassium Permanganate for effect. Since it was a fair there were snacks to be bought and since it was Vidyaniketan school the cost snack at that time started with 20 bucks for a "chaat" and 30 bucks for "gajar ka halwa".

As students, we were given no coupons and had to purchase our food. I remember having X amount of money, X between 30 and 40 (enough for a King's lunch elsewhere) and a grumbling stomach one afternoon. We used to take turns to excuse ourselves from our demonstration lest some bunch of people enter a class decorated with different scientific trivia and fundaes and completely abandoned and giving the audience the feeling of having stepped into something from planet of the apes.

I was nonplussed when I saw the cost of each snack from a distance. Having secured a large amount of money from my parents - which was X as above - I was totally distraught on what to buy that would constitute a lunch. I lounged about from one stand to another and after figuring out the different food stuffs available and roaming about without buying anything I returned back to class hungry.

Somewhere some butterfly had flapped its wings. And I distinctly remember a teacher - Veena Kanuga(?) who came upto me pulled me over and gave me two coupons of worth 20 and 30 each. I remember first refusing then gladly accepting the coupons. I dont remember any other details apart from eating the first papdi chaat of my life and some really nice gajar ka halwa and boasting to my friends that I had done so.

I have no other fond memories of Vidya Niketan. It would have been zilch - zero except for Veena Kanuga(?). Random acts of kindness? I dont think I was as grateful to any other teacher for a long time.

Doh.

2008-07-12T12:56:00.001-05:00

Ever listen to the story where you think a person is the best you have been with and also think you are not good enough to ask the biggest question in life and unknown to you the girl has a major crush on you. Then the girl goes into this "irretrievable position" in life and then tells you about the crush. Stuff for the movies?

This happened yesterday. To me.

I saw the Motorcycle diaries

2008-07-05T16:09:00.003-05:00

And I suddenly feel for the person who gave me the book. Its not a sudden outpouring of immense thought. I was immature 3 years ago, 6 months ago maybe.

Now I believe things are different. I see life like what it is. I see all my inhibitions - ones that I had before and ones I have now. I can visualize what I would be and what I thought I would be two years ago and what I am now. And I realise most women outrank men's maturity by several years. I have been feeling like saying this many times over the past few months.

Even if it had been insignificant to say it about 1.5 years ago I say it now. For what its worth. I am sorry.

I wish

2008-06-14T15:34:00.002-05:00

Crisp mornings. I wake up after 7 hours of winkie wink. I dream about 1 more hour and I swim in my bed, fight with the pillows. I move from one cool patch of the pillow to another and tell myself how nice I would feel with just another 15 minutes, I drift off into a distant dream about something I can't remember and wake up 10 minutes later putting fight with eyelids to adjust focal distance until my radio clock. I pull back and say to myself what a nice soft bed and wake up and go stare at myself in the bathroom for 5 minutes. I brush my teeth in two phases and remind myself of my brother 's homily of wearing out on my set of weirdly arranged 32. I have a nice bath and I feel supreme immediately after. I try two shirts and tell myself that I should iron my clothes some day and hunt for a pair of matching socks among two containers of clothes. I head out after some sour lemon juice and look at my car and tell myself that its the dirtiest new car in the lot and I will take it to the cleaners soon. The ignition and the beat of Mark Knopfler and the only thing that can touch me then is the hand of God. I maintain a cool poker face and roll down my windows and adjust the volume to hear him sing loud enough for me alone. Then I cruise.

The crispness of the morning is when the air is cool enough for you to wish for wings to fly away. The rhythm the coolness and on these mornings I wish my office was a little farther away.

Topics and Todo(s)

2008-06-14T04:27:00.002-05:00

I need to return the movie CD's to the library. When have I completed reading a fiction book. Kiran Desai - something, a good book , worthy of the booker. Her mother also won the Booker, her writing is downright sad. I mean slow rumbling sad and leave-me-out-of-this-missy books.
I am reading a fiction book now. Hopefully Grisham.

Arguing: wow after ages I argued with Choke for 2 hours needlessly on phone about sexism racism and caste-ism. Among the topics it degenerated to include my generalization about the intentions of others if they show inclinations of being prejudiced, my persistent call for someone to provide pen and paper to Choke so that he can write down and see that he contradicts himself. Finally we parted on arguably decent amount of animosity wherein I suggested he has a problem and retracted it showering apologies the next minute. He counteracted by saying that he doesnt have a problem and doesnt care. And thanks to AT&T our call got cut and I now have the opportunity to hammer the keyboard.
Sent him my apology by email.

Sleep. Topsy turvy schedule. Duh, why does this happen with me only( and Sandy would say "bleddy u only"). this is going to be 3pm when I sleep , yesterday at 10:30 and prior to that 2:30. One of the happy moments during my somnolent mornings- I walk from car to cube and think to myself "what a wonderful world" . no I just thank my stars I became a software engineer and not anything that required me to be anywhere at 8 or 9 in the morning.

Colleagues. Admire my colleagues. Kickass working efficiency, Kickass timings. Kickass brains. Notice the period.

Pain. Significant. Joey putting so much pain on day 1 energized me to inflict some myself at home. Either I have completely lost 'muscle mass' as Vishwas puts it or doing simplest of exercises is becoming enormous pain. Either way muscles are regrouping or rebuilding or doing whatever they do by producing lactic acid. Or so I think.

the futility of it all

2008-06-06T03:05:00.002-05:00

Now that I work and am no longer in grad school I have loads of time to do whatever I please. Work pleases me too, but what is better are the work hours. I can work whenever and wherever and that is great. I have been reading some travelling some hanging about a few good friends.

I have played tennis, gone to the gym, gotten drunk, laughed till my stomach ached , looked at majestic mountains, vast expansive lakes, enjoyed the company of my family , feared a cop for a ticket , gone to the gym and been amazed at what people do to look good, heard bias from people I thought unbiased, sung loudly on freeways, slept at work, revised my french.
I am like a spectator and participant in this pageant. I dont know when it will end or what an end means.

The common thread through this all I think is the hovering thought of distraction. All this is a distraction. I dont think I would have thought about it unless the idea came from Krishnamurthy. Everything can be viewed as a distraction. Really, it doesnt matter because since I don't exactly know what I am being distracted from I am fine with being distracted. But there is the lingering doubt of why exactly do I need to be distracted. If the cause is removed then the patient need not suffer. However, I am not suffering. I am witnessing.

And then there is this lingering quarter life crisis of "now what". I think the reason I am distracted is because I don't want to answer now what. People with "distractions" might not get to question themselves with this because they are always going somewhere with their distractions and probably will ask when they get there. Like running 2 miles when you can run 3. You say now what and the most obvious thing is to run 3. If you are 3 and tired you rest. Then after a couple of weeks of 3 you say 4 or 5 or the half or the complete marathon. Each stage of course filled with anticipation happiness sadness and the accompanying emotions to keep the next step in suspense. Once the marathon is completed for whatever motivations, either continous merit is derived from the act of completing it or a triathlon is thought about and then the cycle begins. Now what?

Soaking up the good life.

2008-04-22T01:05:00.002-05:00

I chanced by while reading someone else's blog. It said I had 13 posts. No wonder I stopped blogging.

Just to save a note at this time - I am having a great time. I mean that in every sense of the word great. Sure I have petty grievances which seem to swallow me up for some time when I am tired, but I cannot help but feel this is it. This is it. The hours of poring over books , manifested or feigned interest in whatever could get me here - this is payoff. The freedom and life is worth it. Hell for these past few days everything was worth it. (i would want some changes if I am redoing life but hell now isnt the time to crib!)

I am so looking forward to this summer!

a few interesting reads

2008-02-05T00:20:00.000-06:00

from NY Times about the mid life crisis article today

KATE:
Hmmm… my own "mid-life crisis" began when I was 24 (not 42). Perhaps
my crisis was jump-started by the fact that it was January and I was
sitting on a couch in Rovaniemi, Finland, as a nanny to a 6-month-old
baby. The sun does not rise above the horizon for 3 months during the
winter season there, and it reflected my inner state extremely well. I
was sitting on the couch during the baby's morning nap one day, when I
realized that I was spiraling into a crisis.

But, this has a background, insofar as my mind and outlook had been
shaped by "born-again Fundamentalist" Christianity - the kind that
preaches The Imminent Second Coming of Christ from the time one is
able to understand language, straight through high school. It's a kind
of abnormal time-consciousness that leaves many kids (in my opinion)
psychologically stunted into thinking that they will 1.) not grow up
and work in a job, 2.) never attend college, 3.) never experience
marriage and have their own children. It's an outlook that hovers
continually within an expectant 9-second arch of time: the
"now-that-might-end-abruptly." Needless to say, it's psychologically
damaging insofar as a young adult, raised on such fare, doesn't plan
life, but rather slides from one situation into the next contiguously,
because all may end in the next moment anyway. There is a constant
sense of urgency accompanied by a simultaneous lack of planning that
is debilitating in dealing with everyday life.

I was a dutiful and obedient, immature kid, but then when I left home
at 18, I ran, and I didn't step inside a church for 5 years - although
I eventually joined another (very different) Christian denomination.
Significantly, what I didn't realize at 18 was the extent to which my
blunted upbringing had literally "shaped" my outlook and my kneejerk
reactions, despite a nagging sense that something was very wrong in
the way I was raised.

Sitting on that couch at the top of the dark world at 24, I began to
realize that this outlook had prevented me from looking forward to a
"Future," for planning for my future. I had slid from one thing to the
next from 18 to 24 without a plan or a map, or an overall idea what I
wanted to do with my life.

So, there I sat on a couch during the baby's nap realizing that I had
no concept of the future at all. I was lost in the dark, and in those
moments of realization I began falling into a downward spiral that
took me, first, back to the States to a series of minimum-wage jobs,
where I had to choose between paying rent or buying food: I ate hardly
anything for 2 years. American culture depressed me even more, but it
didn't matter, because all I could do anyway was work and then sleep
in this two-dimensional life that I led.

I sleep-walked through 3 years of this crisis without any medication -
I had no money for doctors or prescriptions. But, I was still young
enough to do something about it, and my first step beyond this
enormous inertia was to start thinking about leaving the USA.

Crawling out of this depression was my personal Everest. I began the
climb when I eventually pulled myself together enough to work long
enough to buy a one-way plane ticket back to Europe, where a slow
healing commenced as I clung to new goals like tenuous finger holds on
a vertical rock face. But, this wasn't an ordinary healing, as much as
it was a re-orientation to life and the Future, to eventual marriage
and children, and to my university-level studies.

With my Master's degree in hand at the age of 39, for example, I
landed a job I adore, and now at 46, the kids are getting ready to
leave home in the coming 2 to 3 years and I've begun my doctoral
studies on a leave of absence from my work. My goal is to earn the PhD
in time for my 50th birthday and I'm very excited about this!

So, my comment here is that the "mid-life crisis" doesn't depend on
one's age, necessarily, despite the data. Rhythms of life, rather,
function in a manner that "a coming to consciousness" of one's life as
a whole (including one's mortality) occurs in most people around 40 or
50, due to their sense of a "Future" through most of their early years
(this is why it is cross-cultural and everything else, since this is
something absolutely fundamental); this sense of a
"now-that-may-end-abruptly," however, can also happen in the 20's, or
30's depending on individual experience and upbringing.

What I've learned to do since this deep depression, in any case, is to
value the present moment, while looking toward the future with
confidence and a positive attitude that grows with time, rather than
diminishes - at least in my case, since my crisis was 22 years ago.
Whether it's sports (physical activity) or academics (mental activity)
or anything else that inspires passion in life - it's the PASSION IN
LIFE that animates us all who flourish - despite what life dishes out
to us. It's what we do with what we've got at any time of life
(including both our awareness and acceptance of this) that limits our
potential.

Dutton
I think your aversion to what you interpret as a loss of personal
attributes and a pre-defined sense of self, in combination with a
process of disillusionment, is a mark of your youth. Outgrowing that
aversion is precisely what maturity brings to those fortunate enough
to grow in wisdom as they grow in years.

A wonderful Buddhist teacher once told me, as I complained to him
about having learned some things about Buddhism that were unflattering
towards the religion (in my view), that there was no such thing as
Buddhism, that Buddhism was just a myth, and that the process of
spiritual development was entirely one of letting go of all illusions.

Disillusionment is painful (as is middle school's puberty, and
certainly the suicidal sense that we are ready for the confines of
"me" to die, though that is mistaken in many suicidal persons as a
desire for the body to die). But just because something is painful,
that doesn't mean it is to be avoided. It doesn't even mean it isn't
one of the greatest blessings of a human life.

And M, I have lived a pretty amazing life, but I still have a sense of
needing to accept, as anonymouse put it, that this is as good as it
gets. I still struggle with a sense that I walked past some door I
needed to have gone through, and that on the other side of it was the
life I was meant to live. That would be a sad place to stop, but I'm
not done yet. I know this period of self-reflection and
disillusionment is a healthy one and I'm engaging it with a
combination of distraction (physical fitness, entertainment, etc.) and
self-reflection. Life isn't meaningless, but I'm am fully engaged with
allowing a deeper meaning to emerge than what I was guided by in my
early life. Thank God

Youth
by Samuel Ullman

YOUTH
by Samuel Ullman

Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.

Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of sixty more than a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust.

Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, so long are you young.

When the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of pessimism, then you are grown old, even at twenty, but as long as your aerials are up, to catch the waves of optimism, there is hope you may die young at eighty.

OK now i want to go home

2008-01-30T01:25:00.000-06:00

ugh. want to go home. i saw a person i knew from my class at Alliance Francaise. yeah cute obviously. i want to go study law in university law college with her now. how vague. i think i am coming up with one of the catchphrases Jayesh .comes up with like "Prodigy", "ek maar do tukda". - Mind is Monkey. or Maan-ki if you are Australian.

I endorse..

2008-01-29T01:52:00.000-06:00

So Ed Kennedy and his neice endorsed Obama. The one thing i like about Obama campaign is that the American people so solidly believe in him. White people vote for him. This is big according to me.

I cannot empathize with it. But i think elevating someone to the status of the most powerful man might be hard to stomach. And for this you got to salute the efforts of his campaign and for the people who overcame this thought to vote for him.

frankly, the more i read about the candidates - i once admired bill clinton - i think they are all great. McCain seems an honest man but anyone who supports the war and that the USA still occupy Iraq is a bit hard to understand for me. Rising casualties notwithstanding the economy seems suffering given the daily ops of war.

Sigh , I wish campaigning in India was like this. Why dont the apes in India learn these things too?

Married people

2008-01-28T02:24:00.000-06:00

I have to say this. Marriage does change people. Cliche agreed. but hell I see it happening with every marriage(of course the exception resides at home). I mean what happens?!? But before that I wish all my married friends more marriage bliss. Take it.

I think its got to do with the confidence with the knowledge that you are not as liable to failure as you were when you were single. I mean, if you fail you have some back up. You will not go un-appreciated if you will. There is someone to say "Yes honey, well done" or the usual "I love you" that instills a sense of confidence that people imbibe overnight. (wink wink, nudge nudge- never mind)

This leads to a slightly different view of the world for the married one. The 'others' are not as important as 'your own'. So there is this veiled distance that is at least palpable to me. When I speak to these married friends I feel I cannot get closer than I would normally. Not that I have extraordinary close things to reveal every other day. But its some unaccountable distance. Maybe its just me. But I have a sneaky feeling its not. Anyway I can live with it. In my case its always been that if one good friend goes another becomes an acquaintance. Psychological obviously. Someone has to fill in the void or i might mutate into a depressed puppy. Which reminds me I want to procure myself a dog. but looking after it is a challenge. Sigh. Current crib = "When will I get a dog? "

Meanwhile a nice weekend. Made some new friends just after saying I have not made many new friends to an old friend. Gee.
Also saw a mushy (married?) couple and i wanted to punch the guy's face from across the table. Bad manners I know. but he started it. Ordering like a king when you dont pay the bill. Yuck.
also spoke to an old friend and promised to call him. but as joseph heller said something to the effect of a mutual promise exchanged in much enthusiasm but with a certainty of failure. going in that direction.

these blogs are stupid, they are all written in the night. because morning and day time has a purpose.nights are for rambling. (there is a baby crying somewhere right now, i can hear it, whose baby is it? or is it a cat mewing. no its not.)

shyam's house, hari's house, saurav's house and vishwas's house - weekend = over.

Reminiscing

2008-01-11T01:07:00.000-06:00

I would have said "recollecting" but that has an irritating connotation with what my father always said and I rarely did. Lets leave it at that.

The remembrance was this - so i bought a new Honda Civic. No big deal here in the Bay area where BMW's and other fancy cars are the norm. But I pull up the equivalent Indian price which is roughly about 13-14 lakh . and that is fascinating.
not the price but this.

about 10 years ago i would cycle a 6 year old bike with torn seats (strange things the mind can remember - not proofs to the algorithms I studied and wished I remembered, but exact places where the seat was torn with marks I had made with a sketch pen in some weird state of despair I recall!) to my friend Sandeep's house. I used to cycle from what my brother calls and now I adopt "kompe". Mud roads. Our rented house lie in a place where you had to go at least 1 kilometer of mud roads. The roads arent smooth , they have mortar on it - remnants of the BMP not laying tar over suspended plans(and all our dreams back then).

So I used to bike and park at Sandeep's house and then wait outside their gate for their father to back out the car and offer me their free ride. Imaging waiting outside. Imagine going early. You had to wait outside longer -doing nothing. Imagine going late: you missed the ride and then at least one 'period' of school, or if lucky , just the 'assembly'. An assembly of students chanting a Christian prayer and maybe another couple of Christian prayers. Funny not one of us Hindu Muslim or other people ever objected to that. though the christian kids sang hindu hymns. anyway i am digressing. So the timing just had to be right while going to Sherman's place.

Father had to sell his car "CKH 9646" a maruti van because he was transferred to Mudigere, a village near Coorg, which in turn is a small district (which like other small minority portions demands statehood - maybe a valid claim) near Bangalore. So when we no longer had our Maruti Omni van we had to back out of the car pool and father had to leave almost overnight to some remote rural branch in the lush countryside.
We were left to the mercy of the Shermans - who very kindly agreed to drop us everyday despite not having to contribute to the car pool.

so I used to park outside sandeep sherman's house just avoiding the Maruti Zen backing out and waiting to squash in with 4 others on our way to St. joseph's. The return journey was similar. Biking back to "kompe". Life back in the "kompe" home demands several blogs for which I have no patience for right now.

But the journey is in stark contrast to my journey today. My Honda Civic is shining new(Touch wood!) and my joy makes me scream in the middle of traffic that I can drive this nice little thing - a gem to me mediocre to Palo Alto. That I have come a long way is something I cannot claim in humility- a quality that my present roomie so convincingly and abundantly displays.

But looking back I can only smirk. But yeah I have no patience for "that shit" right now. Good night.

An idea: An arbit picture a day!

2008-01-10T01:53:00.000-06:00

An idea strikes when I am trying to sleep: I shall keep this blog active (more so because I can do it and there will be some fun apart from all the mundaneness. wow mundaneness is a word. yaay)

An arbitrary picture a day from my Canon camera. Maybe two.

So many things happening. And I got the baby home today too.
Of course I can't be expected to upload the pictures everyday. Its too much to ask a lazy bum such as me. I also fired away at S today. About internships. Appreciating the quality of courses at UT after speaking to S.

Today's edit is from my last trip to Tampa.

random day random news

2007-12-03T01:42:00.001-06:00

Deccan Herald's front page stories today were:

Front Page Stories

	Plane catches fire, flights hit

	Stray dogs kill 16 sheep

poems

2007-11-24T10:56:00.000-06:00

Remembrance

let's make a pact to fade away
a way not met maybe peaceful
yet ways we might have lived conjure up
a way that i reflect and sigh away

This morning

a laziness envelopes me this morning
all action seem effortful and mundane
but action needs to be done
lest i be left behind in the run

Some stories

2007-11-23T04:11:00.001-06:00

My admiration for people who work in Computer Theory increases with my efforts at learning the simplest of theorems. First I came across this at Kedar Dhamdhere who I can say is from IIT Mumbai with high probability :-). A name I recall from my IIT prep. I found the following verse at his site.

Anartham aksharam nasti
Nasti moolam anaushadhim
Ayogya purusho nasti
Yojak(s) tatra durlabh:

this apparently translates to.

There is no word without meaning.
There is no herb without medicinal use.
There is no unsuitable person.
What is required is a Manager.

which is "Vilas D. Virdheh" translation of it from http://www.mumbai-central.com/nukkad/mar2001/

And in the same thread this interesting story
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"

CRACKED POTS


A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole,
which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and
while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of
water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the
damaged pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one
and a half pots full of water in his master's house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the
end for which it was
made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable
that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the
water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to
apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load
because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to
your master's house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full
value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion
he said, "As we return to the
master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun
warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered
it some.
But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out
half its load, and so it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on
your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of
it.
I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk
back from the stream, you've watered them.
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate
my master's table.
Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and
grace his house."
Akshay P Joshi's interpretation of the story being
Each of us has our own unique flaws.
We're all imperfect pots.
But, it's the cracks and flaws we each have, that make our lives together so
very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what
they are, and look for the good in them.
Love with your heart, not with your eyes 'cos in the end we are all cracked
pots!!!

at the same site.

Also want to throw in the link of an excerpt from Swami Vivekananda's work 
which Vineeth and Krishna doubtless would know of!

http://www.ramakrishnavivekananda.info/vivekananda/volume_1/karma-yoga/each_is_great.htm

Ramblings

2007-11-13T21:40:00.000-06:00

I am listening to reunion by klaus badelt and I can't help feeling good and isolated from the world. Cut off. No chat messengers or emails. Alone and the whole apartment streaming with classical music. Ha! I am getting old like those uncles listening to LP records!The English Patient on my soft and springy bed. What a sad book. But I am transported to the lala land where I can't make much of the surroundings just the characters. Just the sadness. I can identify very well with sadness. It doesnt make me sad but I feel wiser.

Swimming class was so much fun today. Nothing significant learnt but jumping off the three meter board was great. Except for swimming back without goggles. How did I even manage to swim without goggles back home. No wonder I doggy-paddled!. Oh btw, cute life guard and divers who didnt wear caps. Yes.

Can' t wait for school to get over. I want to go somewhere. Play with my cousin sisters. Thats on top of my agenda. Oh I so like Klaus Badelt's music.

What are words?

2007-11-12T03:25:00.000-06:00

Why do I hang on to some words as if they are pearls. Read them over and over again. Just to savour what the author or speaker meant again and again. The simplest of things but because it was said by that person. Its not that I dont care what others speak , but some of them are special. (The adjectives like 'special' reminds me that I am slightly more emotional than the Marlboro man I think I want to be!)
Why do some stupid words, offensive words come rattling down in most unexpected times and contort my countenance.
I think I will hang on to the pearls for now.

a smart name

2007-11-07T23:58:00.000-06:00

how does one choose an appealing name for a blog. Thinking hard.
I dont want to. I am lazy. So the meaning of the blog according to me translates in a local language to mean 'overrated fellow' . My self esteem isn't as low if you are thinking more favorably of me right now, except in my lingo thats a pretty acceptable phrase. Most people are 'dabba nan maga's. Some are more dabba than others. Some might be dabba on few occasions. but nevertheless dabba holds.

So my current rant is anti-(American accent imitating people). Fie on you. Yeah! (See, what you can do with your own blog!) Most dabba people are accent 'putting' 'kinds'. I am not -sometimes I lapse into it but immediately feel flush with embarassment. Thank god. I feel like covering my face when people (say Person A) put on an accent to speak. The assumption being that the American understands A better. I myself cannot understand what A is talking about and I have to turn the statement in my head to figure out what it is that he said. There is this one person I really suspect to be a desi but not ABCD. He carries himself well enough with his accent shouting almost but once in a while lapses into something which I have heard for 25 years of my life. I am thankful that on all those occasions I am turning away from him.